so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
