Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
