You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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