I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I am one with the molecules
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
