she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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