Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
