Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
