i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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