dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
