someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
