i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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