Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
