so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
