I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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