I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My pussy is not your playground.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
