So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
