I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
