I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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