Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
