So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
