I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
