highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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