i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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