Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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