I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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