is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
