Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
