Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
