Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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