as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
