my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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