In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
