im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
