I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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