I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
