i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
