Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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