lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
