Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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