The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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