the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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