it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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