I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
