Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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