it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
