can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
