I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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