sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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