tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
