Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
